American Horror Story Recap: Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead

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Welcome back, guys. I’m still here. I know I skipped a week, but I have an amazing excuse – I didn’t feel like writing the recap because literally nothing happened in that episode that I cared about! Okay. Let’s get started.

Pluses, or, Uhhhh….?

-I mean, it was… fun to see Queenie again, I guess, and like, nice attempt at another actual cross-season connection? Plus 1,000 points…?

-THAT LITTLE HEAD SHAKE FROM MARE WINNINGHAM WAS ACTUALLY EVERYTHING. Can someone GIF that for me? Now?! PLEASE?!? Plus 7,000 points.

-Because I’m a total sicko, I thought that Liz and Iris’ little “walking dead” tour through the back of that hotel was actually kind of funny in a really, really gross way. Plus 500 points.

-EVAN PETERS LOLOL U ARE STILL CRACKING ME UP SO HERE’S PLUS 1,000 POINTS FOR YOU JUST BECAUSE

-Detective Do-Good strolls on home after a long day’s work and is all, “honey, I picked up takeout!! Hope you like this dude I found at CVS buying Q-tips!!” Plus 800 points.

Total: 10,300 points / 1 sassy head shake

Minuses, or, Murphy Is The Worst At Rules

-Literally every season I’m like, Murphy, why do you set up all these convoluted rules about the ~*~spooky magic~*~ and then just toss them aside when they become kind of an inconvenience, or just constantly mess with them to the point where they stop existing in any sort of sensical way? I don’t know why I keep expecting anything different. Definition of insanity, right? No points yet. I’m just naive.

-Detective Do-Good: “So now we can just be a normal family again!” Uh, k, dude. Minus 500 points.

-Is Sally’s backstory literally that this one time she did a sorta-Human Centipede thing and it went terribly wrong? Is that it? Really? After “Weimar Republic sex club snuff film” or “goodbye Denis O’Hare’s tongue” or “Denis O’Meep” or “Denis O’Hare fucking murdered his whole family,” you’re gonna have to work a LITTLE harder than that, Murphy. Minus 1,200 points. (Man, a LOT of bad shit happens to Denis O’Hare on this show.)

-Also, Sarah Paulson has spent this entire season crying or licking things. Better luck as Marcia Clark, you wonderful butterfly. Minus 800 points.

-These ghost rules MAKE. NO. SENSE. There have literally been dozens of people murdered in the Cortez this season, and most of them ARE NOT GHOSTS. Does your murder have to be extra drawn out? Do you have to be exceptionally attractive? Is it just a SAG-AFTRA dispute situation?! IT IS UNCLEAR IN ANY CASE. Minus 4,000 points.

-Also, while I appreciate the feeble, shaky attempt at a Coven/Hotel crossover, this is flat out ridiculous. Throwing a main character like Queenie around is quite different than trotting out the creepy real estate lady from Murder House, because Queenie INTERACTED with people. Like, didn’t she think Liz looked a lot like Spalding in a dress, or that Iris was maybe descended from Madame LaLaurie? When Ramona spent literally four hours eating her, wasn’t she like, “damn, she looks like Marie Laveau,” or wasn’t she like, “shit! That’s the ghost of FrankenKyle!” when Evan Peters shows up?! ALSO, Sarha Paulson is her Supreme, but according to THIS universe, she’s drowning in puddles of her own tears as a ghost in the Cortez dressed as Madonna’s desperate cousin, because, like, ghost rules. This is so dumb. Minus 8,000 points.

-What the FUCK is there even left to cover next week?! PLAN THINGS, SHOW! Minus 1,000 points.

This, right here, is the biggest problem with same-cast anthology series – you can’t possibly think to connect the season when it’s the same six fucking actors who play all the parts. I literally took an improv class this year where the instructor was like, “if you walk on stage as one character and we do a callback to that scene, you have to stay that character,” and I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that Ryan Murphy has taken at LEAST one improv class in his life, so. Yeah.

Total: 15,500 points / 1 improv rule

I’ll be back next week for the definitely anti-climactic finale, so… stick with me and listen to me complain more, please! And, hey, I should be fair. It’s still not half as bad as Freak Show, because it has way less Pokemon Gym Leader Finn Wittrock.

 

 

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